Sunday, November 14, 2010

Hard time finding good Sports Cards this weekend? Blame Canada.

Here, in the United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, the GREATEST country on the planet, we are suffering.  Hurting from a bad economy, victimized by the outsourcing of our jobs and forced to watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars week after week.

As if we hadn't endured enough, now we have to deal with the fact that the best place to be this weekend for sports card collectors was not in a small Hamlet on the back roads of this great country, not even in one of our soaring metropolises.  The place to be was... Canada.   CANADA?!?!?!?  Did we not learned from Matt Stone and Trey Parker's seminal work "South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut" that they're not even a real country anyway.

I'm embarrassed to report that our neighbors to the North, the great citizens of Toronto to be exact, are hosting their 2010 Toronto Sportcard and Memorabilia Expo.  Somehow, probably through some sort of manipulation, these Canadians have lured our best US Trading Card companies across the border.  In addition, they've brainwashed these companies into bringing some of their best cards, a former Untied States President's Cut Auto and some of our most treasured Hollywood Icons.  SHAMEFUL!

Panini America. 
Panini AMERICA people, not Panini NORTH America.  Can you believe they actually gave this card away.
Don't you think these Canadian people would have been happy with a Cut Auto of Pierre Trudeau, Panini America?   Did you have to give them a former US President?
Dear Panini, these people think Football is played on fields that are 110 Yards long and that you have only 3 downs to gain 10 yards.  Why are you wasting these cards on them?  They will probably just use them to clean the ice off their Hockey Skates.  And speaking of Hockey...
These are some pretty sweet cards.  Isn't there enough Hockey stuff in Toronto already?  Do they really need anymore of our stuff? We've already given them teams in American Sports like Baseball and Basketball.  We've practically given them the Buffalo Bills too.  When does it stop? 
Again, wouldn't they have been happy with a Cut Auto of Pierre Trudeau?
A Kobe?   REALLY?!?!?!?

In The Game.
I'm not sure what to do with you.  You're half Canadian, half American.
You're giving away cards with a player, Steve Yzerman, who spent his entire career in Detroit, but he's Canadian too.  Best advice?  Make up your mind and pick a country.  Just remember, four out of the six original NHL hockey teams were American.  'nough said.

Upper Deck.
How did things go so wrong when they were so right?  Your company is based close to my backyard, very American.  You sign two of the greatest hockey players, Wayne Gretzky and Bobby Orr, to exclusive deals, ultra American.  You get them to sign a limited number of cards, keeping the value of their Autos high, completely American.  You don't even put them on the market, making them nearly impossible to obtain, American to the core!  The only way you can get them?  As a giveaway in Canada.  TRAITOR!!!!!!!!
We will remember this one Upper Deck.

As if all of this weren't enough.
Not satisfied with taking all of these opportunities away from us Americans, with their delicious Maple Syrup, (sorry Vermont), with their clean city streets, with their friendly people and their mostly free Canadian health care, these people have stolen three of our living entertainment legends.  The Hanson Brothers.
No!  Not the MMMBop Hanson...
Jack, Steve and Jeff from the fantastic film Slap Shot.  A must see movie if you haven't experienced it yet.  Yes, the Canadians got an Autograph session with these Hollywood Icons.  Why?!?!?!?  WHY?!?!?!?

This is a little too much for a proud American to take.  I charge these companies to redeem themselves.  Come back to America and make us forget you gave away so much good stuff to these Canadians  Help us heal our wounds.  Offer us something even better than you offered those people in Toronto, eh?   Return us to our rightful place in the world as the best country on the planet to collect cards...  or at least offer us an invite to next year's expo.


  1. two things...
    one, the lasttime our countries were at war, we kicked your ass and burned down your Whitehouse...
    two, baseball and basketball were invented by Canadians. We had to have something for those who weren't talented enough to play hockey.

  2. I was just feeling a little bummed over an email from one of my student's parents... but between you and Captain Canuck... you guys have me busting up.

    Keep up the great work!

  3. Is this a blog war?

    Nice touch with the Hanson Brothers too.